1. You’ve ever ordered the most expensive thing on the menu and suggested she order the cheapest.

2. You’ve spent two years on the couch living off of your girlfriend, and then one day say, “So I guess I’ll be paying off your student loans with my inheritance money, huh?”

3. She finds a bra in the bedroom and you get angry at her for being upset over it.

4. You offer to make her something to eat and then kill her taste buds with some nasty stuff not ten minutes after she tells you she has IBS!

5. You’ve used the same come on line so many times that the girls- not your guy friends- know you for it.

6. You’ve frequently and consistently used the “I love you.” line on women to bed them instead of actually having game.

7. You’ve ever deliberately gotten “yourself” a gym membership only to give it to her.

8. A typical weekend night consists of you making passes at other women in her presence. Upon the workweek’s start, you are back to calling/being around her for Lord knows what. (Thanks, Mante.)

9. You waste your time at church only to try your luck at getting in her pants. Just sleep in, dude.

10. You’ve ever retaliated to a rumor about your girlfriend by couchsurfing with someone else across country for a year.

11. You’ve ever decided to intentionally work overtime on her birthday, because you gave her her present “last week”.

12. You never acknowledge her friends upon entering her house, but demand she make conversation with your guests.

13. You’ve ever spent months hanging out with a new friend, listening as he goes on and on about his on/off girlfriend you’ve never met… and upon her finding you, you immediately start dating her after they break up yet again. It doesn’t matter that their relationship was unstable; You’re still a douchebag.

14. You feel the need to take down women’s phone numbers you hear secondhand rather than asking and receiving permission to call them in the first place.

15. You’ve only met your girlfriend’s parents to get a car loan.

1. Do you know what his favorite language is? Is it Japanese like his favorite animes? Is it French like his favorite foreign flick? Learn something sweet or sexy to tell him in his favorite language of choice. Heck, you can even learn to speak with a British accent- or even in “Pirate”- if he digs it.

2. Homemade freaking cupcakes and/or cookies. Need I say more?

3. Most guys will wear a hoodie. Geeks wear Pacman hoodies and sporty guys wear team hoodies like Duke or Carolina. Some guys like urban themed hoodies. No matter what he likes or prefers, I guarantee you if you get the right one he won’t refuse an extra hoodie in his closet.

4. Does your guy use a hair trimmer to cut his hair? Yeah, I know, but some guys just do that. Well, next time he mentions needing to trim it up, offer to help him or do his entire head yourself. He’ll show you how to do it if you don’t know where to start. It’s a type of bonding ritual to groom another person.

5. It rarely ever fails to buy a guy something frivolous that you know he wants but would never in a million years shell out money (even $20) for (like that Bleach action figure set he saw at the comic store the other day).

6. Are you guys close? Do his laundry for him one day. Wash his dishes sometime. Heck, if you can do carpentry and he needs help, then help him out! You know the drill. Pamper his place. He’ll be supremely thankful if he’s not a douche.

7. A sincere compliment about his intellect, physical stamina, appearance, maturity and/or incredible sense of humor will brighten any guy’s day.

8. Send him a hilarious link you found that you knew he’d enjoy. StumbleUpon is the coolest new internet tool to help you out with that.

9. Sometimes it’s nice to make him dinner. Know what’s even cooler? Dropping by his place to bring him some breakfast to start the day off right. (Of course, call before you drive all the way over there!)

10. I have guy friends who will NOT turn down a massage, even from a female who is just a friend. Foot massage, head massage, shoulder massage, you name it! Now, some guys will not take massages. If he says ‘no’, take his answer at face value and don’t try to goad him into letting you do it.

11. Your undivided attention is always nice. When was the last time you just sat down and let him go on and on about something he loves to talk about? Is it his cool new job? Is it the play-offs? Is it that damn dude in his computer game raiding party he loves to hate, and will not stop talking smack about?  Let him complain! Just sit back, relax, ask him questions and just enjoy hanging out with him for a bit. Isn’t it refreshing to not have to carry a conversation every once in a while?

12. Make him a mix CD of stuff/songs you know he likes but you know he doesn’t have.

13. Have you ever said to a guy, “I’m sorry. You’re right. Can we just not fight”? He’ll be blown away. Let him win a battle when the issue isn’t a big one. He’ll appreciate you all the more for being a good sport, even if he does eventually realize he was wrong (No, men are not ALWAYS wrong).

14. Gadgets. Never underestimate these magical little (or big) devices. Men love new technology and handy tools to make their lives easier, if not cooler. Geekologie is one of the best places to discover neat gadgets both he and you will possibly love.

2. You send romantic Facebook messages to her- with n’er an answer or reply from her end- and continue to do so until you say something so offensive and personal and inappropriate that she has no choice but to block you.

3. You’ve ever been caught on camera holding hands with a high school girl, when you’re pushing 27.

4. If you’ve made it your goal each and every day to approach her- and whoever else you can think of- on Facebook chat as soon as she logs online, though she’s never EVER shown any interest in you other than giving friendly Hello’s.

5. Private Facebook birthday messages? Leave that for her friends and family, k?

6. You’ve ever offered to help her pick out a bathing suit.

7. A typical weekend night includes you grabbing at your female friends after you’ve thrown back a few.

8. You’ve ever emailed a girl about her being special because she’s different, and told her she could call you ANYTIME to talk about it PRIVATELY.

9. Ever told a hooper that she is more than welcome to come show you her skills privately.

10. You’ve ever “accidentally” started grinding on someone at a club.

11. You’ve ever pretended to be of a different sexual orientation simply to get “closer” to someone.

12. You’ve used a dirty joke before as an excuse to touch someone inappropriately. This applies to females, too.

1. Telling him you liked a picture of his, or complimenting his looks. It’s 2011 and we are not afraid of getting stoned by a mob of angry, hypocritical men as much as we used to be. However, this year’s political stances have me rethinking my future personal security. Handmaid’s Tale here we come!

2. Doing the meaningless “We should hang out sometime” bit, and not really meaning it. In actuality, this is done with other members of the human race as well, just for your personal reference.

3. Nearing closer to him. Could we per chance be moving away from an even creepier person? Check the context, people.

4. Being interested in something he has to say. Having common “interests” is not a sign of “interest” in the other person.

5. Being delighted to see him. Liking a person doesn’t usually mean anything more than that. There are six billion people in the world that this person also has a potential to be delighted in the presence of. I’ve nearly soiled my pants upon seeing female friends I hadn’t seen for prolonged periods of time. I, however, do not want to stick my tongue down their throat.

6. Doing him a favor. ESPECIALLY after he pulled your arm to do it in the first place.

7. Looking at him (Get real, people).

8. Exchanging jokes with a man. Women have jokes. Don’t make us feel like we wasted them on an unappreciative, narrow-minded jackass. Bask in the brilliance of clever rhetoric!

9. Agreeing to accompany a man anywhere outside of where the two of you interact with each other regularly, such as work, school, etc.. It’s 2011, this is not Saudi Arabia, AND we’re packing pepper spray anyway (or at least we should be).

10. Doing/saying something stupid in his presence, up to and including doing stupid things in relation to something he did or his presence. Making mistakes and doing stupid things such as faux pas’ are normally things we do regardless of who it is that we are around. If a person is ridiculous in one way, they are ridiculous in many ways as a general rule.

11. Just being generally awkward. Some women (and men) are just awkward no matter where you place them. Assuming they are awkward due to your existence is an asinine idea. Way to be self-absorbed.

Any of these assumptions can possibly make a few of us resent you for life  ^_^